Ask Molly

Sadie Jetson, a human from Galveston Texas (and the object of Winston's affections) writes:


Dear Molly,

OMG!

I had no idea that Winston the owl has a thing for me. He's a lovely owl, with great soulful eyes, and I'm very fond of him. But I don't have THOSE kinds of feelings. I have read his letter to you posted on Sept. 9th, and it explains a lot - the hooting noises in the middle of the night, the claw marks on my bedroom window, the dead mouse in my closet. Oops, make that dead mice in my closet.

I want to let Winston down easy. He's a fine owl and I've enjoyed our time together, but he's just not the boy - or bird - for me. How can I say "no, thank you" to his romantic advances without breaking his heart?   Molly, help me get through to him.

p.s. I recently received a box (wrapped in shiny red paper and tied with a red velvet ribbon) containing forty-five hamsters. They have taken over my kitchen. I reach for a spatula, and instead latch on to  something furry. What should I do with them?

Sincerely,
Sadie Jetson


Dear Sadie,

Did you, by any chance, send Winston the wrong signals? Did you hoot, preen, nod, or bow in front of him? If you did, you are an owl tease and should be ashamed of yourself. (Humans really should learn to speak more foreign languages, such as dog, owl, and Portuguese.)
 
If you want Winston to understand your feelings, you must tell him the way a female owl would. Click your tongue, and  lower your head with your arms spread wide and pointing down. Ideally, you should be spreading and lowering your wings, but you probably don't have any of those, you being human and all. Anyway, he'll either get the message and fly away, or feel highly insulted and try to peck your eyes. Good luck to you.

I will be happy to take the hamsters off your hands. Yum!

Sincerely,
Molly

Ask Molly

Today’s "Ask Molly" letter comes from Galveston, Texas. Wynona the Owl writes:

Dear Molly,

I read the letter Winston wrote to you Sept. 9th proclaiming his love for a human.  And I burst into tears. Well, I would have burst into tears if owls had tear ducts. I have carried a torch for Winston for months now. Winston is such a stud. The way he flutters his wings, those twittering noises he makes - they stop my heart and rattle my tail feathers.

 

 But he doesn’t even know I’m alive. All he sees is that . . . that human! Oh, I can understand his fascination. She’s a kind and sensitive human, quite a catch as humans go.  And beautiful if you go for the featherless look. But she can’t love him the way I do. She doesn’t understand his needs and his desires the way I do. Please, Molly, tell me what to do.

Wynona (but just sign me lovesick)

Dear Lovesick,

Being an owl, Wynona, you have the advantage. Traditionally, male owls begin the courting ritual, but, come on, this is 2015, not 1867. If you want Winston, go get him. Give your wings a hint of a flutter, and give your tail feathers just the tiniest shake. Then, oh so casually, fly in front of Winston - as if you were just stretching your wings - and land beside him. Gently lean into his body and breathe into his ear. You know what to do, girl. Go to it!

Good luck and happy hunting,

Molly