Sadie Jetson, a human from Galveston Texas (and the object of Winston's affections) writes:
Dear Molly,
OMG!
I had no idea that Winston the owl has a thing for me. He's a lovely owl, with great soulful eyes, and I'm very fond of him. But I don't have THOSE kinds of feelings. I have read his letter to you posted on Sept. 9th, and it explains a lot - the hooting noises in the middle of the night, the claw marks on my bedroom window, the dead mouse in my closet. Oops, make that dead mice in my closet.
I want to let Winston down easy. He's a fine owl and I've enjoyed our time together, but he's just not the boy - or bird - for me. How can I say "no, thank you" to his romantic advances without breaking his heart? Molly, help me get through to him.
p.s. I recently received a box (wrapped in shiny red paper and tied with a red velvet ribbon) containing forty-five hamsters. They have taken over my kitchen. I reach for a spatula, and instead latch on to something furry. What should I do with them?
Sincerely,
Sadie Jetson
Dear Sadie,
Did you, by any chance, send Winston the wrong signals? Did you hoot, preen, nod, or bow in front of him? If you did, you are an owl tease and should be ashamed of yourself. (Humans really should learn to speak more foreign languages, such as dog, owl, and Portuguese.)
If you want Winston to understand your feelings, you must tell him the way a female owl would. Click your tongue, and lower your head with your arms spread wide and pointing down. Ideally, you should be spreading and lowering your wings, but you probably don't have any of those, you being human and all. Anyway, he'll either get the message and fly away, or feel highly insulted and try to peck your eyes. Good luck to you.
I will be happy to take the hamsters off your hands. Yum!
Sincerely,
Molly
Dear Sadie:
ReplyDeleteI happen to read your message to Molly. If you continue to have problems with Winston the Owl, I have a suggestion. Next time he pops in (what a hoot) and brings you a mouse, try toasting the mouse to get the aroma of toasted mice. You might enjoy it. Molly can only give you advise for animals. it is hard on their psyche to try and give a human advise on anything really. That is because, human's are basically stupid. My advice is to refer them to a Veterinarian who is also human and would understand why you don't like Winston, and his gifts of mice.
Respectfully yours,
Cesar the Rat
Comment from Sadie:
ReplyDeleteDear Caesar,
Thanks you for your kind and thoughtful suggestion. While my personal taste does not lean toward mouse - toasted or otherwise - there are some neighborhood cats who would consider it a delicacy. I plan to host a barbecue for them with the aforementioned mice.
Sincerely, Sadie Jetson