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Chapter XXX pgs. 189-191
Maria showed the prescription to Sonia, one of the other nurses at the institute. “Two mg? I don’t understand it. She is not violent. Is the doctor worried that she will kill herself?”
“Did you check with Dr. Heckleweit?” asked Sonia.
“I asked about it. Dr. Heckleweit said two.”
“She is almost unconscious as it is. Getting her to swallow the pills will be difficult.” Sonia studied Johanna’s face for a minute. “Maybe we should mash them up in applesauce from now on.”
Sonia spoke softly, as if placating a young child. “Come on Johanna, wake up.” She stroked the sides of Johanna’s face. “Wake up. Wake up.” She patted Johanna’s cheeks.
She shook Johanna’s shoulders. “Come on. Wake up.” Now she was speaking forcefully right up against Johanna’s ear.
Johanna stirred. Her eyelids flickered. “That’s a good girl. Come on. Take this. Now swallow. Here, drink this down. Drink this.”
“Johanna began to cough and choke. The gagging sensation woke her and she coughed hard, shooting the pill out of her mouth. Maria picked it up from Johanna’s lap with gloved hands and put it back into her mouth. With some coaxing, Johanna swallowed and washed the chalky residue down with water, unaware of the bed, the bars on the window, or the restraining straps.
“I can’t believe this is really necessary” grumbled Sonia. She felt Johanna’s pulse. “Weak, forty-five beats per minute.” She took her pulse again and shook her head. “I just hope she’s still alive in the morning.”
“Shh. She might hear you,” said Maria.
“Small chance of that,” said Sonia.
Behind Johanna’s closed eyelids, there was peace and a kind of floating sensation. That was the nice thing about drugs. You really couldn’t be afraid. Am I dead, she wondered. She didn’t think so, but dying, maybe. She could feel her body still attached to her essence, limp, heavy, and immovable like a stone slab. She could still crack her eyelids open, experiencing the world through the twin peepholes that were her eyes, but it was too much effort, and she closed her eyes again.
And the world unfolded before her like a disjointed movie. The sensation wasn’t unpleasant. It was like being detached from everything, or like leaving the physical world behind. She felt as if there were only her spirit and the Almighty, the only two beings in the universe.
“Watch and remember, and whatever happens, do not be afraid. Your only job now, Johanna, is to pray. Pray for everyone you know. Pray for those you don’t know. Especially pray for those whose souls are in jeopardy, and for those who have wronged you. It is in pardoning others that you are pardoned.”
She began with Darren Connors. It felt like she was letting him off the hook by forgiving him, dropping the hook that held him captive to her. “Okay, you’re free. I release you from your debt to me.” She’d said the words before, but somehow, this time she meant it. With forgiveness came a feeling of light, of peace. I wish I’d done it years ago she thought. And with the words, ‘I forgive you’, a shot of love stabbed her through her chest, and, lying on her bed, all but comatose, she smiled because she’d dropped the load, and her eyes flickered.
Sonia returned to check on Johanna. She didn’t like any of this. The girl’s vitals were dangerously low. Inform the doctor and let him call the shots. They have far more training. They have information that nurses don’t, and sometimes they’ll explain why and sometimes they won’t. But the bottom line is, if you take it upon yourself to disobey an order and something happens, it’s you and the hospital that are liable, and the one who’s really going to hurt is you.
She took Johanna’s pulse again to make absolutely sure, and sent in a page to Dr. Heckleweit.
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